I don't like dating. I don't date. In fact, for most of my life I have been the queen of hook-ups. Literally all but one of my relationships (both long and short ones) have been the result of a hook-up that didn't leave. Now before you get all Pollyanna on me, I know thats not healthy. I know thats like the whole problem with love and relationships in my generation and blah blah blah but its always worked for me, at least as effectively as real dating has worked for anyone I know (except that one friend whos married but she's the oddball)
So here is why I don't date:
Dating is stressful. There is that whole meeting a new person, under pressure. It's like a job interview but worse because at a job interview I am not deciding if I am going to let you into my vagina later or if I might want to wake up next to you and let you see my fabulous morning face. Then there is the make up and the outfit and the 'where to do we go' and 'what do we do' and do I kiss him? Does he want to kiss me?
Dating is awkward. There is something innately awkward about sitting across from someone you don't know trying to make yourself look kind of good while still being yourself. Do I tell him that funny story? Or will it make me look bad? If I drink another beer will he think I'm a drunk? Can I get drunk? I want to get drunk....he would be way more interesting if I got drunk and I probably wouldn't mind that tic over his left eye so much.
Dating is annoying. We all know that guy who doesn't go away. I told you nicely that its not you, its me. But really? It's you. I know I didn't answer your text within five minutes but there is really no need to text me again and ask if I'm mad. We all know the guys who drones in monotone about his accounting job. Not that there is anything wrong with accounting but really? It doesn't make for good conversation. I don't care that you had a salad for lunch. And please stop talking baby talk to me. "me so lonely" no dude, you so lame.
There are mail order brides so where the hell is my mail order boyfriend catalog? I know what I want and it isn't the last 12 shmoes I went on dates with (four of who I am still trying to get rid of, might I add, 72 unanswered text messages and phone calls later). I'm a pretty blunt girl, so if I said, no thanks, I actually meant it, trust me playing hard to get is not my thing. If I want you, you'll know. The whole place will probably know, and at the end of the night my neighbors will probably know too!
What's a girl got to do to find a nice flannel wearing, bearded, tattooed man, with a full set of teeth and a legal source of income. I'm not real picky....but I am real done with dating.
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