Silent demons

"You are the embodiment of confidence, raw wit, and security"

That is what my best friend told me one night, when I asked why no one ever noticed when I was drowning in my own anxiety. She told me that while she might see it, and perhaps a few choice others, that I had worked so hard, for so long, to present myself as confident, I had succeeded almost completely.

So, here is my dirty little secret, my mind is a giant, gaping abyss of anxiety, fear, insecurity, and worry.

At any given moment, my mind looks like an internet explorer, with 40 tabs open, 27 of them are blinking and demanding my attention and half of those, are anxieties.

I don't know when I lost the ability to show the rest of the world who I am, maybe I never had it, maybe that is my strongest anxiety. But, I think I do a disservice to myself and to those who know me, when I constantly hide myself.

I am witty, but while you laugh, I will torture myself with funnier things I could have said, I will wonder if you really found me funny, I will wonder if you secretly wish I would leave.
I am blunt, but while I am being blunt I am squashing the voice in my head that says, this is why you will be alone, this is why no one loves you.
I am confident, but it takes me 3 hours and 7 nervous break downs to find an outfit, I have been known to scrub my make up off twice or three times before I am happy and you will never see me leave the house without make up on. Ever.
I am tough, but I want nothing more than for someone to notice that I am barely holding my shit together.
I am independent, but I want nothing more than for someone to tell me that they want me, that they cannot live without me.


I appear to be so many things that people envy, but here is the dirtiest secret of all, those of us who seem to have it the most together, are usually the biggest messes.


So, the next time you look at someone and think, she is too confident, too strong, too independent, remember, inside, she probably needs to hear she is beautiful/strong/loved/needed, more perhaps, than those who are falling apart on the outside.

Genital analogies...

Tonight on the table, vagina one of my favorite things, almost as beloved as the color black and the souls of my enemies, they are super fun to play with and if you play with them right you can bring yourself (and a lucky someone) a world of pleasure.

But, thats not really what I wanted to talk about. For as long as I can remember there is a specific analogy when clam grooming is discussed.

And its fucking weird.

And it needs to stop.

Don't know what I'm talking about yet? In the last decade (or so, because in my head ten years ago was 1995, don't judge me) there has been an increase in the amount of grooming women do to their clams and gone are the days when everyone had a full bush to whatever extent the good lord gave ya. Now? I feel like taking of panties can be full of surprises. will the new toy have hard wood floors, area rugs, or full carpeting? While your grooming habits are a very personal decision, countless blogs, articles, and women's conversations have involved them and there is one phrase I hear over and over and over, if you go bare it "looks like a little girl".
STAHPPPP. Listen, I don't know how much sex ed you had, or in the case of those of you who HAVE a vagina but pubic hair is FAR from the only changes that body part undergoes when your hormone fountains start dumping decades of mood swings, stained panties and salt cravings at you. Nothing about a hairless woman looks juvenile, and its fucking weird when the comparison is made. Stop making another person's decisions "dirty" or "wrong" simply because you don't feel comfortable with them. Its a really intense form of shaming to assign to someone simply because you disagree with their grooming choice.


I realize vaginal shaming is not a cultural war that must be fought on the front lines, but for the love of fuck, if you don't like hard wood floors stop assigning pedophilia feelings on those who do.....you look like an asshole,  and assholes don't get their floors played with, no matter how they carpet them, or don't!