Silent demons

"You are the embodiment of confidence, raw wit, and security"

That is what my best friend told me one night, when I asked why no one ever noticed when I was drowning in my own anxiety. She told me that while she might see it, and perhaps a few choice others, that I had worked so hard, for so long, to present myself as confident, I had succeeded almost completely.

So, here is my dirty little secret, my mind is a giant, gaping abyss of anxiety, fear, insecurity, and worry.

At any given moment, my mind looks like an internet explorer, with 40 tabs open, 27 of them are blinking and demanding my attention and half of those, are anxieties.

I don't know when I lost the ability to show the rest of the world who I am, maybe I never had it, maybe that is my strongest anxiety. But, I think I do a disservice to myself and to those who know me, when I constantly hide myself.

I am witty, but while you laugh, I will torture myself with funnier things I could have said, I will wonder if you really found me funny, I will wonder if you secretly wish I would leave.
I am blunt, but while I am being blunt I am squashing the voice in my head that says, this is why you will be alone, this is why no one loves you.
I am confident, but it takes me 3 hours and 7 nervous break downs to find an outfit, I have been known to scrub my make up off twice or three times before I am happy and you will never see me leave the house without make up on. Ever.
I am tough, but I want nothing more than for someone to notice that I am barely holding my shit together.
I am independent, but I want nothing more than for someone to tell me that they want me, that they cannot live without me.


I appear to be so many things that people envy, but here is the dirtiest secret of all, those of us who seem to have it the most together, are usually the biggest messes.


So, the next time you look at someone and think, she is too confident, too strong, too independent, remember, inside, she probably needs to hear she is beautiful/strong/loved/needed, more perhaps, than those who are falling apart on the outside.